The Wizard Of Smallville
by Nova Adams
Summary: The very first Smallville sillyfic ever! PLEASE read this. I worked really hard on it.
1. The Saga Begins, Trite but True

Author's note: I don't own anything. I don't own Wizard of Oz. I don't own Smallville. I just happened to notice some funny little similarities between the two, okay? So don't sue me. Thank you. I love you all! 

Clark yawned and flicked through the channels. There was absolutely nothing on. Whatsoever. He mentally tallied his choices. 

Comedy Central: Annoying black comedian contrasting the way people of different races drive. 

Cartoon Network: "Cow and Chicken". 

The Sci-Fi channel: "Star Trek" marathon. Despite his many charms, Clark hated "Star Trek". I don't know why. 

FOX: Idiotic reality TV. 

NBC: "Friends". Clark also hated "Friends". No, I don't know why either. 

WB: Clark snorted. Who wanted to watch a stupid channel like WB? 

He switched to AMC as a last-ditch resort… 

And fell asleep right at the moment Dorothy was opening the door to Oz. Which is my favorite part, by the way. 

Way far off on a different planet, filmed in black-and-white… 

"Daddy Jor-El! Mommy Lara-El! There's a huge planet explosion coming!" 

Little Kal-El ran into Jor-El and Lara-El's room at 3 in the morning, screaming. Of course, he was screaming in Kryptonian. Fortunately, the spoken Kryptonian language is identical to English. 

Lara-El sighed. "Jor, I told you to stop telling Kal about your discoveries." 

Jor-El sat up, blinking. "Kal, that's not for a whole year yet. Please, try to sleep." 

Kal-El shook his head. "No! It's coming now." 

Jor-El frowned. There was a rumble… 

Kal-El jumped up and down. "There! See?" 

Jor-El gasped. "My God! The boy's right!" He jumped out of bed, pulling the covers from on top of Lara-El. She made a sound of disgust, not unlike the one that Marge Simpson tends to make when Homer does or says something stupid. Which is always, but I digress… 

A few minutes later, after Jor-El checked a bunch of charts and made some potent Kryptonian coffee for Lara-El, the El family was saying their goodbyes. 

Kal-El clutched Krypto to his chest. "Can't Krypto come with me?" he begged. 

Jor-El shook his head. "Sorry, son. The show is trying to go back to the original Superman thing. No annoying flying animals, just some good old-fashioned angst." 

Kal-El pouted. "But Krypto was a really important part of the Superman mythology. At least in the Sixties." 

I sat on the floor and flipped through the "Superman In The Sixties" book my brother had given me for Christmas. "Sorry, Jor. He's right." 

Jor-El sighed. "God, I hate that stupid mutt. Whatever." He slammed the door to the capsule. 

Kal-El rolled around on the floor. "Are we there yet?" Krypto barked and smeared snot on the window. 

I held up a warning finger. "Guys? Song." 

Somewhere over the rainbow 

_Crows will fly _

_And there's a land that I dreamed of _

_Once in a comic book _

_Somewhere over the rainbow _

_Dreams come true _

_And I have a foster mom _

_Who can actually cook _

_Somewhere over the rainbow _

_MY STUPID LITTLE BROTHER WILL HAVE A DINNER PLATE STUFFED UP HIS NOSE IF HE DOESN'T STOP SINGING "Somewhere Over the Fart-Fart" _

Kal-El clutched Krypto as the spaceship whirled around. There was a thud, a crunch, and silence. 

Krypto whined. Kal-El nervously opened the door… 

To be continued whenever I feel like it. Meanwhile, here's a mental image that has nothing to do with the story: Lana Lang in dominatrix gear. 


	2. Crotch-Sniffing And Cross-Dressing

Clark nervously opened the door of the spaceship into a small Midwestern town. 

He screamed. "AAGH! KRYPTONITE! KRYPTONITE!" 

"It's just eye-searing Technicolor," I told him, brandishing my Gelly Roll pens. 

Clark shrugged. "Okay. But why am I suddenly a teenager? And why am I calling myself Clark instead of Kal-El?" 

"I'm too lazy to go back and edit," I said. "Wander outside now. This is taking forever." 

He wandered outside. "Hello? Is anybody there?" 

There was an odd noise, sort of like the noise you get when you pour a whole Pixie Stick into your mouth at once, only more melodic, and a soap bubble floated down and landed right in front of Clark. 

"Hello," it said. "I am Bo Duke, the Good Queen of the Midwest." It pointed its wand at Clark's spaceship. "Your ship destroyed the Lionel Luthor, Wicked Executive of the Midwest, for which we are all eternally grateful. It also killed a bunch of other people, but they don't count because they're just extras." 

Clark raised an eyebrow. "Dad, why are you wearing a Glinda dress? Do you want to tell me something?" 

Jonathon Clark looked very embarrassed. "I borrowed this from your mother's closet. Don't tell her, okay?" 

From offscreen came a yell. "John, where the hell is my Glinda dress?" 

Bo Duke quickly went through his spiel. "Get the little green glowy necklace off of the Wicked Executive and put it on, then get out of here and STOP SNIFFING MY CROTCH!!!" 

This was actually directed at Krypto, who had just discovered the joy of sniffing people's crotches. Dogs on Krypton don't get to sniff their owner's crotches because the red sun takes away the smell. 

Clark whacked Krypto on the nose. "Stop sniffing his crotch." 

Krypto looked disappointed. "Ruh-roh." No, wait, that's Scooby-Doo. Sorry. You know what, let's just take Krypto out of the whole story. I didn't even want to use him in the first place. Let's put in Bizarro Number One. I always liked him. 

Clark whacked Bizarro on the nose. "Stop sniffing his crotch." 

Bizarro looked pleased. "Clark say to stop sniffing his dad's crotch, so I will keep sniffing his crotch." 

Is this getting stupid? Okay, forget about the whole crotch thing. 

Bo Duke disappeared with a little pop just as MamaKent came storming onto the set. "Dammit, where—" She stopped when she saw Clark. "Where are all the Munchkins?" 

Clark shrugged. "I think they were all squashed by the meteors and stuff." 

"ANGST!" I yelled. "ANGST TIME!" 

Clark broke down weeping. "Oh, it's all my fault, I killed them all because my spaceship squashed them…" 

"Enough," MamaKent said. She snapped her fingers. Clark was wearing a pretty little gingham dress. 

Clark looked down at himself. "Um…Dad may be into cross-dressing, but I'm really not." 

MamaKent shrugged. "All right." She snapped her fingers and the dress turned into the Superman outfit. "Better?" 

Clark flashed her the thumbs-up and one of his Famous Disappearing Sexy Smiles. 

MamaKent put her finger on her chin. "Wait. You said that your dad was into…So THAT'S where my dress went! KTLPZYXM!" She disappeared. 

MORE REVIEWS! If you want me to continue send me reviews, PLEASE. I will not continue until I get at least 3 more reviews. 


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